Rants? I have way too many to even start … GMO? Eighty percent of our water contaminated with pesticides? Leaks in the government? Privacy?(Oops, did that one last week!) … Oh yea, folks … we need laughter!
A man is standing over his computer and says, “Hey sweetheart, did you change our password?
“Yes, honey,” she replied.
“So, what is the new one?” he says.
“It’s the date of our wedding anniversary!” she responds with glee. Silence! More silence, and then the man, now bowed over his computer, wringing his hands and wiping off sweat, says to himself, “How will I ever get out of this one alive?”
You know you are old when your bank sends you their free calendar … one month at a time.
Overheard at at bar one evening, one man says to another, “I called the incontinence hot line, and they asked, “Can you hold, please?”
… And remember, age is important only if you are cheese.
A little boy returns from the grocery store with his mom. While she is putting away the groceries he has opened his box of animal crackers and spread them all over the kitchen table. Rather shocked, the mom says, “What are you doing?”
The little boy says,”Well, the box says you shouldn’t eat them if the seal is broken, so I’m looking for the seal.”
Married women who will probably not hyphenate their last names as this would be the result:
And the grande finale … Wendt-Adaway
A farmer picks up an American Indian in Oklahoma who is hitch hiking. The American Indian is a man of few words, but eventually looks at the brown paper bag in between them and asks, “Mmm, what in bag?”
The farmer says, “It’s a bottle of wine that I got for my wife.”
Indian thinks for a moment and says, “Mmmm, good trade!”
And for a favorite doc joke …
And old man goes to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg. The doctor does an exam and some tests and then says to the man, “I’m afraid it’s just old age, and there is nothing we can do about that.”
“That can’t be,” the old man fumes, “You don’t know what you are doing!”
The doctor counters,”How can you possibly know I am wrong?”
“Well, it is quite obvious,” replies the old man, “My other leg is just fine and it is the exact same age!”
Two barbershops were in red-hot competition in a small Texas town. One put up a sign: Redneck haircuts, only $7. The following day his competitor put one up that read: We repair $7 haircuts, $6.50. (Yep, only in Texas)
For you with teenagers, or who once had them, you will want to know why they have a lot in common with cats:
*Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
*No matter what you do for them, it is never enough. You are the beneficiary of waiting on them hand and foot!
*Cats and teenagers can lie on the living room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing! …and
*Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did also!
Many of you have told me how you love puns. So here are a few to close:
*I dropped out of Communism class because I had lousy Marx.
*All the toilets in the police station have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on!
*I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
*Velcro … What a rip off!
*Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. One more?
*I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
OK friends, that’s it for me today. Now, your job is to make somebody happy today! Aloha … a hui hou …