Today is a holiday. Memorial Day! Am I at the beach? Having a picnic? Oh, no … I am sending you laughter therapy … and loving every minute of it. Just remember, my friends, Patriotism is supporting our country all the time, and our government only when it deserves it. (Mahalo, Mark Twain)…Freedom certainly is not free, so give a remembrance to all who have sacrificed for the country we have! Now…let’s LOL!
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: “Guess Who?”
The controller switched the field lights off and replied, “Guess where?” (Love these puns … to follow … )
I was in many places during my career, but I don’t think I was ever in Cahoots. Apparently you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends and family and work. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often. I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I am in Capable, and I seem to go there more often now that I am getting older. One of my favorite places is to be in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart. However, sometimes I think I am in Vincible, but then life shows me I am not. People will tell me I am in Denial, but I’m a positive kinda person, so I’ve never been there. I have been in Deeps—- many times, and the older I get the easier it is to get there. So far, I haven’t been in Continent. but my travel agent (and my doctor) say I’ll be going soon enough. Oh, my … all this travel … and shortly before my demise … I will be in Extremis. Whew!
A scratch golfer hits his ball 300 yards straight down the fairway, and it hits a sprinkler and careens off into the woods. He finds the ball, but trees surround it. He’s upset, says a few naughty words, grabs his nine-iron and hits the ball as hard as he can. It bounces off a tree back at the golfer, hits him in the head and kills him. He arrives in Heaven, and God himself is at the Pearly Gates to greet him. Looking up his record, God sees that the guy golfs a lot and he says, “So, Are you any good?” The golfer looks at God and says, “Well, I got here in two, didn’t I?”
You know how I love “one-liners,” so here are some favorites:
*Banta’s son: Dad there is someone at the door to collect donations for a swimming pool.
Banta: OK, son, give him a glass of water!
*A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired!
*Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are not listening.
Student: A teacher!
*A snail was mugged by a tortoise. The police officer said, “Can you give us a description of your attacker? The snail said, “No! It all happened so fast!” … one more?
Q:What do you call a bug with manners?
A: A lady bug! … Just one more?
*A spouse is someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single! Ouch!
A man is sitting at a bar, staring at his drink, when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
“Well, now whatcha gonna do about that?” the biker said menacingly.
The man at the bar broke down weeping.
“Awe, come on, man,” the biker said, “I didn’t think you’d cry! I can’t stand to see a man cry.”
The man replied, “This is the worst day of my life! I am a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot to get my car it was gone. I don’t have any insurance! I took a cab home, but left my wallet in the cab and I don’t remember the name of the company. I found my wife hugging our gardner and then my dog bit me. So, I came to this bar to work up courage to put an end to it all! I buy a drink, drop the capsule in it, and was sitting here watching the poison dissolve when you showed up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me. How’s your day going?”
OK, gang … time to close. Just remember, the only reason they say “women and children first” is to test the strength of the lifeboats!
Bless all those who have served and contiunue to serve our great country. Say mahalo the next time you pass someone in uniform! Be Well … Aloha … a hui hou …