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No rants today! Well, uh, well maybe just a small one. Finally, the legislature did something positive for young women … the emergency contraception bill. And the only people upset are, yep, you guessed it … XYs. Let’s LOL!

Let me share some good medical advice with you. When a patient asks me, “I heard that cardio exercise can prolong your life. Is this true?” My standard response is, “Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it. So, don’t waste them on exercise. Everything will wear out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. Why, it’s like saying you can extend the life of a car by driving faster. If you want to live longer … Take a NAP! More free advice … How do you calculate your body fat ratio? Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one … etc., etc. … One more?

Question: Is getting in shape important for my healthy lifestyle? Answer: Hey, ROUND is a shape! Enough from the medical world … This one is for my male fans!

A woman goes to the doctor worried about her husband’s temper. The doctor asks, “What’s the problem?”

The woman says, “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me!”

The doctor says, “I have a cure for that! When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish it and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep.”

Two weeks later the woman returns to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says, “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”

The doctor responds, “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick!” yep … no fight!

Now, for all of you with any money left to invest, let me share with you the upcoming mergers that are destined to make some BIG bucks during 2013 ….

*Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and WR Grace Co. will merge as Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

*Polygram Records, Warner Bros, and Zesta Crackers will merge and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

*3M will merge with GoodYear Tire Co. and become: MMMGood.

*Grey Poupon and Docker pants are expected to merge and become: PouponPants … and the grande finale…

A man was walking on the beach one day and found a bottle washed on the shore. He decided to open it, and inside was a genie. The genie said:”I will grant you three wishes and only three wishes.”

The man thought about this and said,”I think I want a million dollars transferred to a Swiss Bank account.” POOF! “Next I want a Farrari red in color.” POOF! there was the car sitting in front of him! He then asked for his final wish, “I wish I was irresistible to all women!” POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates!

Now, a few one-liners before the really grande finale …

*Dolphins are so intelligent that within a few weeks of captivity they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish three times a day!

*A very wise sage once said: We are born naked, wet and hungry … then things get worse!

*Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity! … and lastly …

*Alabama state motto: At least we’re not Mississippi! (ya gotta be a southerner to get that one!) so let’s close …

Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when all the sudden the driver notices flashing blue lights in his rear-view mirror. A police officer is on his tail. His buddy says with panic, “What are we going to do?”

The driver says, “Don’t worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and we’ll be OK! First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we’ll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the empty bottles underneath your seat, and let me do the talking!” They pull over and the cop walks up to the driver’s window. He looks at them kinda funny, but asks to see the driver’s license. He then asks, “Have you been drinking?”

“Oh, no sir!” the driver replies.

“I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you SURE you haven’t been drinking?”

“No sir”, the driver answers, “we haven’t had a thing to drink tonight!”

“Well, I have to ask you,” the police officer says, “What on earth are those things on your forehead?”

“Oh, officer, that’s easy. You see, we’re both alcoholics, and we’re on the patch!”

Time to say “Aloha” my friends … just remember, the best remedy for a really bad cough is a large dose of laxatives! Be Well … laugh a lot…do good deeds…and smile (even if you have to fake it!) … Aloha … a hui hou …