Sorry about last week my friends, another mini-vacation! You know, they are good for your health especially when someone else foots da bill. So, for those of you suffering from “laughter withdrawal”… the following is your remedy.
A man bought a new refrigerator for his home. To get rid of the old one, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it that said, “Free to good home … you want it, you take it.” For three days the refrigerator sat there without anyone looking twice. He decided people were too mistrustful of this deal, so he changed the sign to read, “‘Fridge for sale, $50 …” The next day someone stole it. Ah, yes … they walk among us. A couple more?
A friend and I were eating lunch at a cafe in Honokaa, when we overheard a lady in the next booth talking about the severe sunburn she got on her weekend drives to the beach at Hapuna. She was telling her friend that she loved her convertible for those drives. Her friend questioned why she didn’t use sunscreen. She answered, “I don’t need it. I can’t get sunburned when the car is moving!” Yep, they walk among us.
A man in Honolulu was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for speeding although he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he circled the area again, and driving even slower the camera flashed again. Now he began to think that this was almost funny, so he circled the area several more times, and each time the camera flashed. He did it a fifth time, this time at a snail’s pace and the camera flashed again. Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt! (You can’t fix stupid.)
My friend Alice was visiting with some of us one afternoon and an older woman asked her if she ever thought about the “hereafter”. Alice said, “Oh, do I ever! No matter where I am in the house, kitchen, den, upstairs, downstairs, I ask myself, ‘Now! What am I here after?’” Don’t mess with us old folks!
A woman asked George Burns one day, “Is it true you still go out with younger women?”
George replied, “Yes, it’s true!”
She then asked, “Is it true you still smoke 15 to 20 cigars a day?”
“Yes,” George repeated.
Then she asked, “Is it true you still take a few drinks every day?”
George replied, “Yes, it’s true!”
“Well,” she said, “What does your doctor say about all this unhealthy behavior?”
“I don’t know,” Burns said, “He’s dead!” (OK, please … just one more … )
An elderly man was sick and in the hospital. There was this one nurse who drove him crazy because every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing voice, “And how are we doing this morning?” or “Are we ready for a bath?” The man had just had enough! So, one morning at breakfast, he took the apple juice off the tray and put it on his bedside stand. Later that morning, he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing. So, you know where the apple juice went! The same nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it.
“My,” she said, “it seems we are a little cloudy today!”
At this, the old man snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top and drank it down, saying, “Well, I’ll run it through again! Maybe I can filter it better this time. What do you think?”
The nurse fainted! And now for some “one-liners”…
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? A: Pi a la mode!
Q: What do you get from an Alaskan cow? A: Ice cream! (OK, those are so lame! so let’s close.)
One more …
Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain a whale to me!
I just am having too much fun today … So, one more. Two strands of DNA were walking down the street. One says to the other, “Do these genes make me look fat?!” Be well … Aloha … a hui hou …