Hope all of you had some laughter therapy last week, even without my column. I took a well-earned vacation to the Nabisco Dinah Shore golf tournament in Palm Springs, Calif. An annual adventure and always so much fun! Hope I can make up for it this week.
The latest scam locally … Beware … Someone is offering cut-rate toy poodles in Puna. Word is that they could be mongooses on steroids! If you ever doubted why you would want to read the newspaper, here are some “for-real” headlines:
*Caskets found as workers demolish mausoleum!
*Rally against apathy draws small crowd.
*Parents keep kids home to protest school closure. … and the grande finale …
*Meathead resigns … head of federal agency that oversees meat and poultry inspections resigning
You know, there comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband. For example:
A wife comes home late at night after a bridge game, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four feet instead of two. So…she reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Leaving the covered, groaning bodies, she goes out to the kitchen. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. “Hi, Honey,” he said, “Your parents have come for a surprise visit, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say ‘Hello’ to them?” ..and then the fight began (or continued)… one more ‘couple’ joke?
A man asked his wife what she wanted for her birthday tomorrow.
“I’d love to be 8 again,” she replied. So the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a big bowl of Coco Pops, then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! They road almost every ride twice. Five hours later, she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, he drove her to a McDonalds where he ordered Happy Meals with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies to watch the latest Star Wars epic, with a hot dog, popcorn, a coke and all the M&M’s she could eat. Finally she wobbled home, collapsed in bed totally exhausted. He leans over, smiles and says, “So sweetie, what was it like being 8 again?”
Her eyes opened and her expression suddenly changed, and she screamed, “I meant my dress size!
If you don’t think with age comes wisdom … read this one. Two elderly friends are sitting on the park bench when one says to the other, “You know, my wife asked me the other day, ‘At your age, what would you prefer to have, Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s? I said, ‘Definitely Parkinson’s! Better to spill half an ounce of Jack Daniel’s than to forget where you keep the bottle!”
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped in the path of a well-dressed man, stuck a gun in his ribs and said, “give me your money!”
Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this. I am a United States senator!”
“In that case,” replied the mugger, “give me MY money!”
One of the major discount stores (I think Wal-Mart … nah, maybe Target) … anyway, they announced that sometime in 2013 they will begin offering customers their own brand of discount wine. They are teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce wines at affordable prices in the $2 to $5 range. A wine expert responded that it will be successful only if branding is well thought out. So, customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive names for the discount wines. Here are the top five from the survey:
1. Chateau Traileur Parc
2. Big Red Gulp
3. Peanut Noir
4. Grape Expectations, and
5. Nasti Spumante. They plan on advertising that these wines can be served with either white meat (possum) or red meat (squirrel).
It’s gonna be difficult to top that one, so I think I’ll close for the day. Just remember, anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is new! Be well, my friends … do good deeds … pay it forward! Aloha…a hui hou …