Political rants are not in vogue today. However, one of my all time favorites was “edited” from last week … so I will give it one more try. It is priceless!
The following was written by a black gentleman in Texas, and it is so creative and funny. “When I was born, I was black. When I grew up, I was black. When I went in the sun, I stayed black. When I got cold, I was black.When I got scared, I stayed black, and when I die I will still be black. Now, you white folks …When you were born, you were pink.When you grew up, you were white. When you go in the sun, you get red. When you’re cold, you turn blue. when you’re scared, you’re yellow. When you get sick, you turn green. When you’re scared, you turn yellow. When you bruise, you turn purple. And when you die, you look gray. So … why y’all callin’ us “colored” folks? … howze about another “naughty” one?
One day Grammie sent her grandson, Johnny, down to the water hole to get some water to cook dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it back home. When he ran in the kitchen, Grammie said, “Where’s my bucket and the water I needed?”
“I can’t get any water from that water hole, Grammie,” Johnny said. “There’s a big ole alligator down there!”
“Now don’t you mind that ole alligator, Johnny, he’s been there for so many years and no, he’s never hurt no one!” Grammie said. “Why, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”
“Well Grammie, if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain’t fit to drink!” said Johnny.
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. Seeing God she asked, “Is my time up?”
God said, “No, you have another 40 years, two months and eight days to live.”
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live she figured she might as well look more beautiful. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was run over by a truck. Arriving again in front of God, she demanded: “I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn’t you pull me out of the path of that truck?”
God replied, “Girl, I didn’t recognize you!”
OK … you all know about aphorisms.Yes? No? An aphorism is a short saying stating the truth. In other words, cut the gab and get to the point! Well, here are some of my favorites:
*We have enough “youth.” How about a fountain of “smart!”
*The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson. ( … and yes I am for gun control!)
*When blonds have more fun, do they know it? (Oh, I’m in deep pilikia for dat one!)
*Learn from your parent’s mistakes. Use birth control!
*Don’t drink and drive! You might hit a bump and spill something … and the grande finale …
*If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is definitely not for you!
Another from my favorite island? The Official Honokaa Sheriff Exam. A young Hawaiian grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6’2, strong as a bull, and fast as a mongoose. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age he applied at the West Hawaii Sheriff’s Department. After a series of test and interviews, the chief deputy called him into his office for the young man’s last interview.
The chief said, “You’re a big, strong, motivated kid and you can really shoot. So far, your qualifications look good, but we have what you might call an “Attitude Suitability Test” that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don’t want anyone wearing our badge!”
Then sliding a pistol and some ammo across he desk, the chief said, “Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six people who are killing the Hawaiian green turtles; six meth dealers, six child abusers, six unscrupulous lawyers, six Republicans, and a rabbit!”
“Why the rabbit?” queried the applicant. “You pass!” said the Chief Deputy. “When can you start?”
OK friends … if I have offended anyone … I meant to! Nah … nah … you know bettah. Just one last “share.” I’m a great believer in luck … I find that the harder I work the more I have of it! Be well … Aloha … a hui hou …