Be very careful as you read the column today because I am writing it on April Fool’s Day. So, let’s start with a rant! The Founding Fathers who wrote the U.S. Constitution wore tri-cornered hats decorated with feathers, powdered wigs, shirts with ruffled collars and cuffs, short pants, stockings up to their knees, and silver and gold buckles on their high-heeled shoes. And yet…we don’t have gay marriage. OK … April Fool! Not.
A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were: The short story had to contain the following three things: religion, sexuality and mystery. A brilliant woman in the class received the only A+ for her short story. Here it is: “Good God, I’m pregnant, I wonder who did it?”
And now some tales that remind us why we love children so much … A mother was driving with her three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in a convertible ahead of them stood up and waved. She was stark naked. As the mother was reeling from shock, she heard her 5-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mom, that lady isn’t wearing her seat belt. Shame!”
A couple more … A little boy got lost at the YWCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?” … Ah, come on … just one more?
A woman was trying hard to get some ketchup out of a newly opened jar. During her struggle the phone rang, so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. She then heard her daughter say, “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle!”… April Fool … there’s one more!
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his one to 10 numbers well. “Yes, of course,” he said. “My Pop taught me — even more than 10.”
“Good. What comes after three?” asked the teacher.
“Four” answered Johnny.
“Good,” she said. “Then what comes after six?”
“Seven,” Johnny says with delight.
“Very good,” said the teacher. “Your Dad has done a good job. So what comes after 10?”
Johnny grins and says, “A Jack!”
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their travel. When leaving however, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and didn’t miss them until they had been driving for about 40 minutes. The husband was really upset when finding it difficult to find a place on the highway to turn around. All the way back the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed, complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly the entire drive back. He just would not let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card I left!” …and then the fight started!
A woman goes into a bookstore and asks the clerk behind the counter where the self-help section was. The clerk responded, “If I told you, that would defeat the whole purpose!” (no fight)
I know it is cruel and heartless to remind you what happens on April 15. But, one thing is for sure — income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf ever will.
So, that’s it for today, my friends. And remember, it’s no coincidence that GMO backward is OMG (oh my God) … Be well … do good deeds … Aloha … a hui hou …